Blind to Attraction
by littlekawaiifirefox
Summary: Rated 'M' for a reason! Hiei makes a few discoveries about, not only himself, but, about his body! Sexual tension rises when he meets Kurama's cousin, but he doesn't have a clue.
1. Chapter 1

**Blind to Attraction**

**Chapter 1**

The morning sun never failed to wake him early every morning, and as he rolled over, yup, that was there, too.

He lifted the sheet covering him and stared down his naked body. Ever since he'd reached adolescence, at least four out of seven days of the week, he was greeted by a throbbing, enlarged _thing._

_His_ throbbing, enlarged _thing._

When it had first started happening, he'd thought maybe he had a disease as the pain that occurred after the throbbing was intense. The more it happened, though, the more he realized there were no other symptoms.

He still was not entirely unconvinced, but now saw it as more of a nuisance.

He glared down at his appendage and thought, why couldn't it be _smaller._

It would be less noticeable and easier to move out of the way.

Really, he wanted nothing to do with it until he had to use the bathroom. It was the only thing it was good for, anyway.

Sure, he knew that it was meant to be used for reproduction, too, but he had no intentions of doing such a thing. Ever.

The very thought made him shiver and he was glad to feel the throbbing ebb away. Today, he was spared any pain.

Thanking the gods, whichever ones were out there, he got out of bed and got dressed. He ran his hand quickly through his hair once and then headed for downstairs.

At the top of the steps, he froze. Great. _They _were here. Heavenly joy.

More eager for breakfast than he was in avoiding _them_, he descended to the living room silently in hopes of not being seen.

"Oi, Hiei! Morning, sunshine."

_Damn._

Hiei froze in place on the landing and shot Yusuke a glare, who chuckled.

Kurama exited the kitchen at that moment carrying a tray laden with hot food for them all.

Hiei followed the smell, still glaring at Yusuke.

Kurama rolled his eyes, "Yusuke, leave him alone. Hiei's not a morning person and I really don't feel like replacing the recliner again."

Yusuke's eyes widened, "He set it on fire?"

Kurama sighed, "I wish that were the case."

Hiei smirked cruelly as Yusuke's face dropped in shock.

"Okay, I don't wanna know."

"Where's the moron? I know he's here, his stench is everywhere."

"I'm right here, shorty, and I showered this morning. Thank you very much!" Kuwabara came in the room and parked it next to Yusuke.

Hiei sneered, "So, he _does_ know how to bathe."

Kuwabara shot up, "Hey, that's more than _you_ can say! You don't exactly smell like a rose, you know!"

Hiei barked out a short laugh, "Proving you know nothing. If there's one thing you should've learned by now, it's not to fight me. _You'll lose._"

Kuwabara opened his mouth to argue more, but Kurama interrupted.

"Please! For the sake of my furniture!"

Kuwabara blinked, "What? You furn-"

Yusuke yanked Kuwabara back down on the couch, cutting him off, "Don't ask. Hiei's not a morning person and that's as far as I want to get."

Kuwabara grumbled, managing a disgruntled, "Whatever," and leaving it at that.

Hiei, satisfied that he'd won even though it was indirectly, sat on the recliner across from the couch and snagged a piece of toast.

Kuwabara continued to glare, which only served to lighten Hiei's mood. Knowing the moron was unhappy made him happy.

"So, Yusuke," Kurama started conversation to keep away from arguments, "Your wedding with Keiko is in two weeks. Are you nervous?"

The detective chuckled, "Nah. Only that she'll come to her senses and run away."

Kurama and Kuwabara laughed.

Kurama pressed on, "What did you decide on for the honeymoon?"

Yusuke shrugged, "Whatever she wanted to do. I only care about what happens once we get there if you know what I mean." He gave a sly wink at Kuwabara guffawed and Kurama shook his head with a slight smile.

"I'm just surprised you guys haven't done it, yet," Kuwabara said as he took a bite of eggs.

Yusuke shrugged, "She wouldn't _let_ me. Instead, I was left to suffer from blue balls all the time."

Kuwabara gaped, "You mean you never…" he hesitated, "_You know?_"

Yusuke laughed, "Are you stupid? Of course, I did! Just when she wasn't around. No more self-servicing for me, though. Thank God."

Hiei narrowed his eyes, "What the _hell_ are you _talking_ about?"

All eyes turned to Hiei in surprise.

Hiei's eyebrows rose at the surrounding silence, "_What._"

Yusuke's mouth slowly opened into a gape, "Don't tell me… omigawd… Hiei, you've never… wow."

Kuwabara burst out into laughter, "And he calls himself a man!"

Kurama's cheeks turned a light pink, "Kuwabara, please, I hardly find that it makes him less of a man. He's just… inexperienced." He cleared his throat and turned a concerned eye on Hiei.

Hiei was getting pissed off. What the _hell_ was their problem?

"Someone better start explaining or it won't just be the furniture that will need replacing." He glared at the other men.

Kurama paled and Kuwabara stopped laughing. Yusuke cleared his throat.

"Hiei," Yusuke edged forward on his seat, speaking quietly, "What you're saying is that you've never heard of… or even ever…"

An uncomfortable silence passed over the men and Yusuke cleared his throat again.

"You've never…_ jerked off?_"

Hiei raised an eyebrow.

Yusuke continued, "You've never got your rocks off, done the one hand shimmy, _masturbated!? _Come _on, _Hiei! Gimme a break here!"

Kuwabara gave Yusuke a weird look, "_The one hand shimmy?_"

Yusuke shrugged, "I may or may not have made that one up. At least give me points for creativity."

"Masturbate," Yusuke and Kuwabara turned to Hiei with hope that it finally clicked.

Hiei's eyebrow furrowed, "That term seems familiar… You're talking about sex, aren't you?"

Kuwabara slapped his forehead, "I can't take this anymore. This one is all you guys."

Yusuke let out a frustrated groan as he covered his face with his palm, "How do you survive _morning wood?_"

Yusuke, Kuwabara, and Kurama stared at Hiei, waiting for any kind of hint of recognition.

When his face remained blank, the air in the room became heavy with another awkward silence.

"You live with him, you tell him." Yusuke stated blankly.

"That's exactly why I _shouldn't_ tell him! I would have to face him every day!" Kurama argued.

"You know him better."

"You're more blunt and direct."

"You're… shit." Yusuke slumped in defeat, "Fine."

Hiei was becoming irritated as he did not particularly enjoy waiting.

"Would you explain what you're talking about, already?"

Yusuke cleared his throat, "Ah, well, uh… morning wood. That's when… you wake up aroused in, well, the morning…"

"Aroused." Hiei didn't even blink.

Yusuke slapped his face with his palm, "Do I gotta spell it out for you?! Geez! No _wonder _you're not a morning person."

Hiei sat in his usual tree, deep in the woods and high off the ground. The only surrounding sounds were the occasional breeze through the leaves and the chatter of the creatures that lived there.

It was the perfect place for him to think.

To think about what Yusuke had explained to him.

He would have felt more embarrassed about not knowing anything about _morning wood_, but he'd never had anyone to talk to him about those kinds of things.

He felt glad that he didn't have some sort of disease and that there was even a way to make it go away.

Yusuke had been forced to give a small demonstration using a banana.

Hiei found himself amused by Yusuke's discomfort at that moment and smirked to himself.

As the sun started to sink below the horizon, Hiei made his way home and thought that perhaps he should try this remedy to his "disease".

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**A/N:**

**Is this what you think it's going to be? Yes and no.**

**It WILL be graphic, so, please, if you don't feel comfortable reading graphic sexual related things, then stop here and spare yourself. c:**

**Thank you for reading and please leave me some cookies when you review! :D**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Hiei found himself staring down his naked body, yet again.

This time, however, he knew what to do. Sort of.

He wondered if he should do it lying down, sitting up, if he should _stand._

After a brief hesitation, he decided to stay lying down.

With a slight wince, he gently took hold of his enlarged member.

His eyes widened, surprised by how hard it was and how it reacted to him simply grabbing it.

The throbbing intensified and he felt the need to do something to answer its calling.

He pulled upwards on his member and took a sharp intake of breath and released it on a hiss.

A bit too hard, he realized. He needed to be a bit gentler, he thought.

As Hiei let go of himself to let the pain ebb away, he thought about what he could do to keep from hurting himself.

If he was really honest with himself, he felt rather ridiculous for having made such a mistake as to hurt himself in such a manner.

And stupid, which pissed him off.

Before he could dwell on the matter or make a second attempt, a knock sounded on his door.

"Hiei?" Kurama's voice came through the door, "Are you up?"

Without calling back, Hiei stood and got dressed.

Hiei opened his door to Kurama waiting for him.

Kurama's eyes widened, "You're in a foul mood."

There was a brief pause as Kurama stared at Hiei and Hiei stared down the hall at nothing.

"Ah."

Hiei slapped a glare on Kurama, to which Kurama sighed in resignation.

"We're needed downstairs. Koenma is giving us a new assignment."

"Is that what you called me out here for? I no longer work under Koenma's thumb. I'm not interested."

Kurama stopped Hiei as he started to walk away down the hall, "Don't say you're not interested until you hear the mission."

Hiei's eyes narrowed at the redhead, "I don't –"

"It's a thieving mission."

The two men stared at each other in silence.

After a moment, Hiei sighed and dropped his gaze, "Fine. I'll at least listen to what it is."

Kurama gave a small smile, "Thank you."

"Hn."

As they made their way downstairs, the volume of laghter from Yusuke and Kuwabara increased.

Once they caught sight of Hiei, however, they ceased.

Yusuke cleared his throat as Hiei glared at them, "So, uh, still not a morning person, huh?"

"Tch," Hiei nearly growled and made his way to the window seat as Kuwabara barely managed to keep from snickering.

Yusuke cocked a small grin, "I thought that might still be the case, so I found someone who could help you."

Hiei's head snapped around, "_What._"

"Yeah, you know, someone with experience. A woman. Don't worry, she'll take good care of you."

Kuwabara nearly fell off his chair, he started laughing so hard.

Kurama gaped, "Yusuke, you _didn't_."

At that moment, Koenma and Botan entered through a bright portal.

The scene they walked in on was baffling, but hardly unexpected by the toddler king in training.

He swore that these boys would always be boys, never men. Except maybe Kurama. Hiei was promising, too.

Which left him with the two human boys guffawing in front of him, Kurama appeared mortified and Hiei looked like, well, Hiei. Always wanting to kill something or someone.

Koenma cleared his throat, bringing them all to attention.

As the boys gathered themselves, Koenma started, "There have been reports of a dangerous artifact that has fallen into…ambitious hands. The name of this artifact is The Six. It's called 'The Six' because it is in six pieces. One piece by itself is useless. All pieces together, however, well… that's a different story."

Yusuke cracked his knuckles, "Alright, so who's lucky ass do we get to beat for this artifact?"

Koenma frowned, "That's the problem. You don't."

Yusuke's jaw dropped, "We're _fighters_, Koenma, what else are we going to do?"

Koenma's brow furrowed, "I understand your concern, Yusuke, but it's just not the way this situation can be handled." He turned to Botan, "I'll let you tell them the rest. Dad needs me in his office soon."

Botan gulped, "Yessir! Good luck!"

As Koenma disappeared through a new portal, Yusuke flipped him the bird.

"Yusuke!" Botan shrilled.

"What!" Yusuke protested, "It's just like him to hand off the dirty work."

Botan rolled her eyes, "Look, this artifact is thought to be in the hands of a well-established nobleman. It is unknown if he's even aware of what he has."

Kurama frowned, "So, we need to investigate before we retrieve. If he knows what he has, our strategy will have to be intricate. We'll have to be quite discreet for this mission."

"Bingo!" Botan pointed her index finger upwards to prove her point, "Koenma has actually requested some outside help."

Everyone blinked at her in surprise.

"Seriously." Yusuke retorted, "Does he think we can't handle it or something? Does he think we're incompetent _children_ or something!"

Kurama pushed Yusuke back down on the couch, "Calm down, Yusuke. I'm sure that's not the case."

"Yeah, well –"

"Idiot." Hiei interrupted, "We need outside help because everyone knows who we are."

Yusuke gaped, "Oh, yeah. Didn't think of that."

Botan cleared her throat, "So! The help Koenma has requested is actually your cousin, Kurama!"

Kurama's eyes widened, "My cousin?" He paused, "Do you mean… the Shadow Thief?"

Botan grinned, "Bingo, bingo! The Shadow Thief is exactly the right person for infiltration. You know what to do, Kurama! And with that, I'm off! Bye!"

The guys watched as she pulled out her oar and flew into her own portal.

No sooner had she gone, the doorbell rang.

Yusuke clapped and rubbed his hands together, "Right on time!"

Kurama and Kuwabara shot to their feet, immediately shouting at Yusuke to turn their guest away.

Hiei watched them in near amusement, "Who the hell is at the door?"

Yusuke grinned, "You'll see." He disappeared around the corner and the sounds of him greeting someone reached their ears.

Kurama and Kuwabara stood straight as boards and looked everywhere but at Hiei and the approaching guest.

"Oi, guys," Yusuke popped into the room first, "I'd like you all to meet Alistair."

The woman who came around the corner was too skinny, her hair was too big, and she had on too much make-up.

Hiei concluded that this woman was a mash up of too much. Not to mention her too-large teeth in her too-wide smile.

Alistair's eyes landed on Kurama first, then Hiei, "Oh, my. This room is full of such attra–" her eyes landed on Kuwabara and she faltered, clearing her throat, "attractive men." Her eyes quickly found Kurama again.

Yusuke laughed, "You'll only be serving one of them today."

Hiei suddenly understood what was going on.

"_Get her out._" Hiei bit out angrily.

Yusuke didn't stop smiling, "C'mon, Hiei. You can't deny you need help. Who better to help you than a –" he paused, "A woman."

Kurama paled, "Yusuke, I think this is a bad idea. If Hiei wanted to be with a woman, don't you think he would've done it already?"

Yusuke blanched, "Are you implying that Hiei is _gay_?"

Hiei growled loudly and got in Yusuke's face, who took a step back, "I'm not into men, if you really must know. What Kurama was trying to say in a nice way was to mind your own damn business."

Yusuke shrugged, "Hey, I just wanna help, man. Maybe it'll help you lighten up."

The next thing Hiei knew, he was struggling face down on the carpet, weighed down by the combined efforts of Kurama and Kuwabara. Yusuke had pressed himself against the opposite wall; Alistair was screaming.

"I'll kill you, detective!" Hiei yelled as he tried to claw his way to Yusuke, "Lighten up! I'll show you 'lighten up' when I _lightly_ kill you!"

"That doesn't even make sense!" Yusuke yelled at him.

Alistair was still screaming.

"I don't care! I'm still going to kill you!" Hiei continued to yell.

Kuwabara smooshed Hiei's face into the carpet, "Hiei, you need to calm down. You're overreacting, shorty!"

Hiei stilled and everything got quiet…except Alistair was still shrieking.

As one, the four men turned to her and shouted, "Shut up!"

She at least had the good grace to simmer down to a whimpering.

"Get off me," Hiei's tone was still angry, but he was much calmer, so Kurama and Kuwabara backed off.

As Hiei rose, his crimson glare shifted from Yusuke to the girl.

Insulted, humiliated, and degraded all in a matter of minutes. Yusuke was going to pay for this, but it would have to be when he wasn't expecting it.

When Hiei's eyes left the cowering girl, he locked eyes with Yusuke again.

"She's weak."

A sly grin worked its way back onto Yusuke's mug, "You telling me you like it rough?"

As a growl issued from Hiei's throat, Yusuke put up his hands in defense and laughed, "I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I know what you mean. I should have thought of that."

Hiei's eyes flashed, "You won't think of it again. Stop trying to help me. I don't need any."

Yusuke sighed as if defeated, "Alright, Hiei, fine." He turned to Kurama, "Will you help her out?"

Kurama nodded and the prostitute was calmly walked out the door.

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**A/N:**

**Phase two is complete! Hahahaha!**

***clears throat* So, I'm trying to keep up the humor while also keeping it serious in the important parts. I hope I'm doing a good job! :O**

**But, yeah, humor isn't my strong point, so that's why it's taking me so long on updates on this. I'm sorry! I hope you enjoyed the read after such a long wait!**


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